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Not Quite Almost Christmas Time

de Tom Cardy

When my roommate comes into the room looking for his car keys
I don't say it yet
And when he gets me off the couch to check underneath the couch cushions
I don't say it yet, no

And then when he says out loud: I wonder where my car keys are
I still don't say it (I still don't say it yet)
But then he asks me: Do you know where my car keys are
I look at him in his face and I say

Have you checked your butt hole?
Ski-dap, ba-dap, butt hole
I have not seen your keys, but since you're askin' me
You better check up that butt hole
Of course, I'm not serious
I don't think it's up inside your big brown business
But a funny thing to say to someone who's lost their shit and is stressed out visibly

When I see the best man start to sweat
I don't say it yet (ski-dap, ba-dap)
When I see that little ring bearer cunt getting yelled at by his mum
Oh, I still don't say it
When I see the groom asking the vicar if they can wait just another fifteen minutes
I do not say it (ski-bap, ba-da)
And when the father of the bride starts organizing an ad-hoc emu bob of the courtyard area
I want to, but I do not say it
It's the eleventh hour with three-hundred congregates under God's roofer
The vicar approaches the mic and suddenly, all of the chatter goes mute
He says that they've misplaced the rings
Could anyone possibly know where they are?
I know it's my time as all heads turn as I stand and say: Vicar

Have you checked your butt hole?
Ski-dap, ba-dap, butt hole
I have not seen your ring, but have you checked your ring?
And by ring, I mean butt hole
Love is patient, love is kind
But if you ask me where you can find
Literally anything you've lost before
I'm gonna suggest that it's up your butt hole

Where's my phone? Is it up your butt hole?
I lost my loan, have you checked up your butt hole?
I'm losing my patience, check your anus
Where's your class? I think it's stuck up your ass
I just lost my grandma
Oh my God, I'm so sorry
Are you capable of not saying she's up my asshole?
Of course, my condolences
I'm not looking for a silly joke right now
Yeah, yeah, what are you looking for?
Honestly, just like, a shoulder to cry

Have you checked your butt hole?
Ski-dap, ba-dap, butt hole
Maybe you'll find your dead grandma up there too
Oh, I fuckin' got you, butt hole
My family hate me
This might be the reason that I've got no close friends
Fuckin' worth it, baby

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