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Guilty as Sin?

de Rachel Bochner

Drowning in the Blue Nile
She sent me Downtown Lights
I hadn't heard it in a while
My boredom's bone deep
This cage was once just fine
Am I allowed to cry?

I dream of cracking locks
Throwing my life to the wolves, or the ocean rocks
Crashing into her tonight, she's a paradox
I'm seeing visions, am I bad? Or mad? Or wise?

What if she's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze, oh, what a way to die
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts
Without ever touching her skin
How can I be guilty as sin?

I keep these longings locked in lowercase inside a vault
Someone told me: There's no such thing as bad thoughts, only your actions talk
These fatal fantasies giving way to labored breath
Taking all of me, we've already done it in my head
If it's make believe, why does it feel like a vow
We'll both uphold somehow?

What if she's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze, oh, what a way to die
My bedsheets are ablaze, I screamed her name
Building up like waves crashing over my grave
Without ever touching her skin
How can I be guilty as sin?

What if I roll the stone away?
They're gonna crucify me anyway
What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?
If long suffering propriety is what they want from me
They don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly
I choose you and me, religiously

What if she's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze, oh, what a way to die
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts
Without ever touching her skin
How can I be guilty as sin?

She sent me Downtown Lights
I hadn't heard it in a while
Am I allowed to cry?

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