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i am lost

de Ethan Jewell

Just minutes before you came to see me, I finished sobbing until my ribs broke
Moments ago, I wiped the tears from my eyes
Peeled the red from my cheeks, and the hurt from my voice
My friend, you are the one I'm truly hiding from
It's far too ugly inside
Just seconds before you appeared, I tried to disappear forever
Vanished like the words from my mouth that are left unspoken
We lock eyes
I want to beg for help but I can't
It's been months since somebody asked me if I'm okay
And even if they did, I wouldn't answer

It's far too complex
This isn't a simple sadness
This is a complicated catastrophe
I do not believe in me, so why would you
My feelings disappear before I can figure them out
My chest hurts, the inside
My heart, my ribs, my pride
I swallow it down and realize I'm not alright
Last night, I dreamt of feeling okay and I didn't like it
Because pain is perfect
Scars are preferred
And rotting is pleasant
Ink dries as my words refuse to write
Friends leave as my thumbs refuse to type
Leaves fall and silent sobs erupt from within

I fall to my knees and I beg
Why me
Why am I the prophet of pain
When I don't have the words anymore
I am lost
I grasp for anything to distract me from wanting it all to end
One day at a time
Until the days begin to crumble
Until I can't tell today from tomorrow
Until your mouth blurs over and hearing your words become punishment
Until my skin drips like candle wax
Until pretty words burn upon pages

And I am left alone
You want someone to lift you up but I have fallen
You need someone to wipe your tears but I am sobbing
My outlet has become my own worst enemy
Nothing is real
And I am lost

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