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Phosphenes

de Casey

I feel the veins that sit behind my eyes
Grow varicose as gentle light starts filtering through fractured blinds
That shade the world from me
You’d always watch me as I’d wax and wane
Fluoxetine and slow decay
Dependence on a medicine is hell without relief

I am bereft of the ineffable affection I feel I am owed
My vacancy and apathy are all that I have left to show
For years I spent in isolation
For chemicals that took the place of fleeting moments
In which I found reprieve from misery

And it seems the only solace I’m afforded
Is now instead of wanting to kill myself I just sleep
I guess progress really isn’t want I thought it would be
And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade after another collapse
I’m left to contemplate if I’m really getting better
Or if I’m just numb to the feeling of falling apart

My dichotomy has always been
That I’m scared of burdening those who love me
But knowing I need help before I die afraid and lonely
But maybe it’s all in my head

The irony I face is that whenever I try to medicate my aches
It kills the only part of me that makes me want to stay

And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade after another collapse
I’m left to contemplate if I’m really getting better
Or if I’m just numb to the feeling of falling apart

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